When you feel like an alien in most groups
“Alien is the new normal”
I have often felt like a complete stupid outsider at group gatherings, but this feeling has completely disappeared recently.
In the past, I disliked most parties, because they made me feel alone. I guess this was the case at at least 50% of all parties or group settings I joined.
I had no clue where people where talking about, and why they were asking me obvious and uninteresting questions. I felt like an outsider, coming from another planet and speaking a whole other language.
I blamed myself
The part that hurt most wasn’t even the “I’m a super stranger here”. The part that hurt most, was the fact I put put a huge blame on myself for it.
I MADE IT ALL MY FAULT.
I made it my fault that I wasn’t connecting. I blamed myself for not succeeding in having a great time, like all the other people seemed to have. I blamed myself for not liking 90% of all birthday traditions, like sitting in an awkward circle and stuffing yourself with food all evening.
But since 1,5 year, this is not the case anymore.
What has changed?
I don’t feel like I need anything from others anymore
For a looong time, I have been looking in the outside world for approval, especially from the people that seemed to approve of me the least. After a 10-day water, music, talking and smartphone fast in 2016, this neediness disappeared. Part of my fast was doing the Work from Byron Katie for 2 days incessantly, tackling every stressful thought that came up.
Only then, I could see how I had been constantly looking outward to “get” something to fill up a deep hole I experienced in myself.
I’m ok with not connecting
I used to have the feeling that reaching out to people was necessary for a successful evening. Bhahahaha 😂. So funny. Why would I make a connection with people that don’t interest me, if I’m feeling perfectly fine just with myself (see number 1.)? I used to feel guilty about not being interested in certain people, but I see that’s useless now.
And if I feel like it, I can still make a connection with people just by feeling into their hearts. There’s no need to talk.
I found other ways to have fun at parties
Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla ba. Oh we live in society that just loves to open its mouth and let out this endless stream of (empty) babbling. Unless it’s a very meaningful or hilariously funny conversation, I’m simply not interested. Luckily, there are many other ways to have fun. Two weeks ago, I was at a birthday party and I found most adults utmost boring. Luckily, there was a whole bunch of kids and I had the time of my life just playing with them.
I just connect to their inner core / higher self
This week, I went to a yoga lesson. There I was, sitting with my eyes closed surrounded by 10 ladies who were producing a lot of sound together before the lesson started. “Oohhhh did you hear about ms. X, she has….” “Nooo, are you kidding me??” “It’s horrible, right?” Then, I visualized all the higher selfs of the ladies, and drew a line between their higher selves and my own higher self. It felt beautiful.
I’m ok with looking like a hermit or lunatic
In fact, I take it as a compliment. I’m not very busy with the things people might think of me, mainly because of nr.1.
I found my own tribe
Look at the picture included with this post… when I look at it, my heart sings with joy. It’s a picture from a group gathering in my dear friend Marcelles house. With almost 40 individuals, we were sitting in her living room. Meditating together, and sharing the things that are important to us. Quite a few of them are true friends of mine, and all the others are people I simply really like.
At no other point in my life, I have felt surrounded by so many like-minded beings than in the last year. Can you imagine that when I am at a “boring” party, I don’t really care anymore?
I feel rich.
I feel connected, even when I’m seemingly disconnected.
I am grateful.
Life is full of wonders.
PS Yes, I like exaggerating every now and then. This post is not a black & white story. I still have my awkward moments…. they’ve just become pretty rare, in stead of my daily experience.